Fun with Femsplaining!

 Everyone needs a hobby. Sometimes, my hobby is watching college football. Sometimes it's watching college basketball. Other times it's... ummm... you know, something TOTALLY not boring.

 Well, right now one of my hobbies is "Feminism". Yup, you read that right. You see, I'm the type of guy that has always been attracted to feisty women. So no surprise, I ending up marrying a strong-willed, fiery woman, the type that is only-too-pleased to show her enemies their intestines right before they die. Naturally she's a feminist, a word that men tend to view with both fear and distrust. I can honestly tell you that I've learned a lot being married, but one of the most surprising things I've learned is that I'M a feminist too! Sure, I may make the occasional Helen Keller joke, but deep down I truly support what many feminists want- Equality. Equal pay for equal work, equal respect regardless of gender, that type of thing. Men and women aren't the same, they're different, but looking down on a person because they're female or giving someone more credence just because they're a man is one of the stupidest things imaginable. Right?

 Anyways, I made the decision about a month ago to seek a deeper education regarding the Feminist movement. In other words, I joined a feminist Facebook group my wife belongs to in order for me to better understand feminism. It's been eye-opening, that's for sure. First, I learned that to be a dyed-in-the-wool FEMINIST, you have to hate 3 things: Mother's Day, Modesty, and Men. Okay, I'm kidding, but it IS a different world than the comfortable, familiar one I'm used to. There's never a lack of topics for me to ask my wife about, a lot of which deal with unfamiliar group-specific lingo/jargon; What do they mean exactly when they refer to "the patriarchy"? What is "pedestaling"? What does it mean to "mansplain"?

 "Mansplain" is actually a pretty easy term to define- "Any time a man opens his mouth about a subject, and is thus wrong. ESPECIALLY if they happen to be a straight, white, religious, adult, American male!" Example: "Gee honey, I don't understand. Why don't you 'MANSPLAIN' it to me?" (Warning: DANGER!) Basically, we have no credibility, and anything that we say is automatically biased, inherently wrong, and just plain dumb. Quadruply-so if we happen to say it to a woman. That's the rule.

 My follow-up question was, does Mansplaining have an opposite? Is there "Femsplaining"? The answer was no, which I found to be interesting. But the longer I've spent perusing feminist ideas, the more clearly the art of the FEMSPLAIN has become to me. I think that the longer people live, as they grow mentally and emotionally and their brains mature, the more value they should begin to see in moderation. No/Don't/Nothing/Never can be problematic in most areas of life, while vice-versa, Yes/Do/Everything/Always can be problematic as well. You tend to see the worst results in life where you trend towards the extreme, in either one direction or another. So while being a chauvinist pig is bad (duh), becoming a "Femi-Nazi" isn't all that great either. Wait, you mean that there are some feminists out there who tend to go too far? Uh, yeah. Which leads me to the whole point of this blog- The amusing, not-to-be-spoken-of nature of the Femsplainer. And yes, this is meant to be a humorous take. (Speaking of extremes- As one's SERIOUSNESS rises, one's sense of humor tends to diminish... Let's not be so serious guys)

 Rules of Femsplaining:

 1) All women are always right. And usually, also a victim of our male-dominated society.
  Example: "So I went to school the other day in my bikini, and one of the teachers came over and asked me if I wanted to borrow a coat to wear."
   "Uh, men are the worst, they should all go die!"
   "Next time, go naked, that will show the stupid patriarchy!"

 2) The most important thing is for women to have freedom of choice... Unless that choice contradicts what feminists tell them to think.
  Example: "I love being a stay-at-home mom and getting to spend so much time with my children."
   "No, you don't. That's offensive! Don't spread that brainwashed garbage here."

 3) All men are wrong, almost all of the time.
  Example: "My boyfriend told me I looked pretty the other day. Then he tried opening the car door for me."
   "That swine! You don't exist just to please him!"
   "Does he think you're some helpless little girl who can't open the door for herself?"
   "Did you hurt him for objectifying your body and doubting your capabilities?"
   "Oh, don't worry, I kicked him in the balls and went out by myself. All is right in the world again!"

 As you can tell, I'm still a bit of an outlier when it comes to certain feminist circles. But if anyone ever tells my daughter that she needs to change out of knee-length shorts she is wearing and put on a pair of pants, or change out of her pants and put on a long skirt, or to put a t-shirt on over her one-piece bathing suit, I give her full permission to punch that person in the throat. So when it comes to the real-life application of practical feminist ideals, there still might be hope for me yet.